Urgent Care Hell...

I was sick all this past weekend (and through most of this week)...I'd had a sore throat for most of the week before and by Saturday had totally lost my voice.  I drank a lot of Theraflu which Dan was kind enough to prepare for me and we spent Saturday hanging out around his condo and watching "Once Upon A Time In The West" which I highly recommend.  Basically I was a total dud though.  On Monday morning I was coughing up yellowish green gunk which I made the crucial mistake of telling my mother about.  I had already decided that I was taking a sick day...this time it was legitimate!  Well, she insisted that I go by urgent care and get seen by a doctor so that I could be prescribed some antibiotics.  I really really hate urgent care but I don't have a primary care physician so I went.

 

The urgent care I went to is part of the U of Arizona Medical Center/teaching hospital.  I was hoping that it wouldn't be so bad because it was a Monday morning...sigh...why am I always wrong?  I signed in with this ornery looking nurse person.  I don't know why they needed my social but she shook her head and told me that I sounded "horrible" when she heard by barely audible voice.  Which, by the way, was a source of endless frustration over the weekend because Dan kept forgetting that I couldn't talk.  He would ask me something from the other room and I would try to respond and end up having to get up and walk over to him...  I could only really whisper, which is what Dan ended up doing too -- I guess its a natural response when the person you're talking to is whispering.  Anyway, a person watching us would have thought we were a very weird pair....they probably think that anyway (now that I think about it).

 

I sat in the waiting room with all of the other freaks and waited my turn.  I started assessing whether other people looked sick enough to be in front of me...I didn't see any spurting blood and no one looked like they were going to pass out...maybe I should cough pretty loud so the nurses could notice me and move me ahead.  (There's also always the thought that these people are not nearly as sick as you are and they should just bow their heads in shame and leave the ER immediately in the face of your life threatening injuries.)  Of course that never works...they just ignored me.  I finally got to the triage section and they took my temperature and blood pressure and put this thing on my finger (which measured my heartrate).  I whispered my desire to get some antibiotics and the nurse just nodded and filled out her form.  (I'm going to assume she didn't hear me.)  She told me to go back to the waiting room.

 

I go back to a seat right in front of the nurse's station (hoping that I would be a thorn in their side that they wanted to get rid of).  There were two seats free to my left...and this small older woman sits in one of the free seats.  I'm busy texting people and looking through a 2 year old Better Homes and Gardens when this high pitched and extremely loud cough comes out of this little old lady.  It is sort of shocking in its volume and intensity.  How is that coming out of that little body?  I look up at her and she blithely looks back at me and gives me another one of those startling coughs.  I respond with a weak, sickly cough of my own (demonstrating that because I don't have the energy to blow the roof off a house, I am much much sicker than she is).  She coughs again and I realize that I cannot sit next to this bull horn.  I move over to another set of seats.  I watch people's faces in response to her coughs.  They look alarmed as well.  Then the women gets up and moves to the same bank of nagahyde hospital waiting room seats that I'm sitting on!  What?!?  I look at her (indicating -- with my eyes -- that I will resort to drastic measures if she follows me again) and get up and move again.  She doesn't follow me.  I can still hear her cough though.  Then they call me back to get all of my insurance information and put a hospital band on my wrist.  I'm impressed with how quickly the "intake" lady can type...you go girl.  She just looks annoyed though when I try to talk to her because I can barely be heard.  If I get her to like me will I get seen faster?....no chance....

 

I'm official now (with my wrist band) and I get sent back to the waiting room.  I warily look at the coughing lady and find a seat away from her.   Incredibly, she gets up and moves near me again!  What the hell?!?  I cannot take this any longer.  I looked over to the ER portion of the waiting room and notice some of Tucson's finest (Tucson Police Department...I'm not surprised if you're confused by my sarcasm...) standing around.  Maybe I can alert them to my stalking situation and they can finally earn their portion of my taxpayer dollars...  I give the lady the "stink eye" (its a technical term) and move to a crowded area of the waiting room and even ask a guy to move his bag so that I can sit next to him.  I tell him about the stalker and he just laughs...yeah dude...its funny until YOU'RE the victim....

 

After another while, I get called back by some guy with a clip board and he puts me in an examining room and leaves me in there but CLOSES THE DOOR.  Now...I don't know about most of you but I have a fear that I'm totally going to be forgotten if they close the door on my in these situations.  I get up and open the door and someone comes back a few minutes later and closes it again.  Ok...I get the message.  After almost an hour a male nurse comes in wearing a pediatric shirt (with pictures of cartoon characters on it) and tells me that I'm probably going to get a chest x-ray and that he thinks I have strep throat.  Now...he hasn't examined me but that sounds pretty reasonable.  Another hour later this very very young person comes in and introduces herself as a resident.  She seems so demure and shy and I feel for her....she obviously doesn't really feel comfortable meeting new people.  She tells me that she's going to examine me and make a diagnosis but that I shouldn't worry because an attending will follow up and make sure that she did her examination correctly.  WAY TO INSPIRE CONFIDENCE SISTER!  I tell her that I'm sure she'll do a great job...when did our roles get reversed?  She listens to my chest and looks at my throat (apologetically) and tells me that she thinks I have a virus and not a bacterial infection but that they're going to take a chest x-ray.  Right...just blast me with gamma rays on a hunch...how did that work out for you Madame Currie?...(does my fear of too much x-ray exposure reveal a little too much about my age and upbringing?).  It takes almost another hour for the x-ray tech's assistant to come get me and for the x-ray to be taken.  I looked at the x-ray over the tech's shoulder (as I came on the screen) and knew that I didn't have any issues with my lungs...I mean...it doesn't really take a rocket scientist to see clear lungs...  Of course, I need to wait almost another hour and a half to find that out.  The attending finally comes in tells me that I'm not getting any antibiotics!  She told me to buy some sudafed and some cough medicine....thanks....

 

When I exited through the waiting room, I checked around to make sure the stalker cougher wasn't there...thankfully she was gone.  I didn't want to have to employ any evasive driving maneuvers to get her off my tail on my way home!

 

Speaking of which, I went to my local Walgreens and had to pretty much agree to sell my family members into white slavery if I would use any of the 10 12-hour Sudafed caplets I purchased.  I didn't realize it but my boss, Terry Goddard, implemented this deal where you have to show picture ID and sign a register whenever you buy any pseudephedrine so I got suspiciously eyeballed when I wanted a simple 10 pack of the things.  Of course, this makes me wonder if meth causes your sinuses to dry up?  Does the sudafed lose its effectiveness in the cooking process?  I think it would be easier to just buy some meth for my congestion...

Comments

[Todd not Toad]

Good thing you let us know that nurse was a MALE. ;)

[Marney Mason]

So, when you are sitting around in the examining room, with the door closed, do you ever go through the drawers and cabinets, to see what kinds of neat stuf they have in there?

[Destructo]

I have no idea why I didn't do that...I mean I was in there for almost 3 hours. There were a lot of labels everywhere so it wouldn't have been any kind of surprise though...