1. A "johnson" is a penis but a "dick" can be a verb, noun or adjective loosely meaning a jerk. When dick is used to describe something that happened to your shoe shine it is referring to a scuff. For example, you wouldn't call a guy a "johnson," he has a "johnson." He could very well be a dick though.
2. Never volunteer for anything. Its the Army. They don't NEED any volunteers. They can make you do anything they want. The only reason they ask for volunteers is so they can laugh at you for raising your hand.
3. Contrary to what you learned in "Full Metal Jacket," a "gun" is not a "johnson" but could be something that appears on your flexed biceps when you're pointing out the entrance to the gun show. What you carry that holds bullets and can be used to shoot things is a weapon. Also, there are no cars in the Army....only vehicles (even when its obviously a Chevy Trailblazer).
4. Duct tape will temporarily (and often permanently) fix anything. I have some in my office right now and I used it the other day to repair a split seam in my suit pants. I don't think anyone at court noticed the silver tape on my ass. I'll probably wear it again next week.
5. The deliciousness of coffee depends totally on your circumstances. It can be brewed in any manner and in any container. I fondly remember pouring coffee grounds into a pot of water during Desert Storm and waiting for the grounds to settle down to the bottom before I drank it. It was delicious.
6. Guys who starch their BDUs are trouble and should be avoided. That uniform is supposed to be crumpled and wrinkled. [Its what the Army gives you to wear while crawling in dirt for God's sake.] It shows a troubling tendency to be neat, meticulous and not open minded. People who walk around in wrinkled clothing (like me) are anathema to these types and are often targets for abuse. [I find this one to be true as a lawyer too.]
7. An NCO who simultaneously smokes a cigarette, holds a Styrofoam cup of coffee and complains about the "good old days" is a keeper. These people have an innate ability to get the job done and you get to hear a lot of outrageous drinking stories. They also often are able to kick your butt on the 2 mile run with a cigarette still dangling from their mouth.
8. You can function without sleep for a lot longer than you think you can. The only hard part is when you have to sit down and read something or when you pause between sentences. You can also wait an extraordinarily long time to go to the bathroom (I'm talking about No. 2 here....). That also brings to mind the remarkable lack of modesty that will attach to relieving yourself if you REALLY have to go and a lot of people are around and there is no foliage (like in the Saudi desert).
9. Green eggs are not always rotten. Sometimes they're just a reaction to the aluminum inside the mess containers....they still taste the same. All that really counts is that they're warm. If you don't like the taste, just put some of that Tabasco sauce you always carry on them.
I'm sure to think of more....I'm just getting started here.
this is an awsome list! the hardest thing to do when sleep deprived is be on "radio watch" in the dark. light discipline forbids any kind of light, so you sit in the dark while your teammates sleep (loudly) and listen to mostly nothing... just in case an important message is transmitted... that's an agonizing 2 hours.. but i have some great stories!
Posted by: tc holt | May 22, 2009 at 06:00 AM