Yesterday I ran the PF Chang Rock N Roll Half Marathon in Phoenix. Yes...I'm probably the sole reason why the Cardinals won the NFC Championship yesterday. You're welcome.
I hadn't really trained for it but I figured how hard could it be? 13.1 miles? I regularly run 6 miles on the weekends and its no problem, no problem at all. I have my little Nike plus ipod thing and whenever I finish my runs some famous person (Lance Armstrong or Joan Benoit) tells me how awesome I did when I run further than I did the last time. I couldn't wait to see who would tell me how awesome I was at the end of the half marathon!
On Friday I picked up my number and "goodie bag" which was a bag full of junk. There wasn't anything "good" about it because all it held was a bunch of coupons for stuff I didn't want. Where was the free stuff that I hear all the Oscar presenters get? Isn't running a half marathon a little more impressive than presenting some stupid award? They really need to rename that thing. At the runner's expo accompanying the number/packet pickup thingy, I got a really cool contraption to attach my ipod sensor to my non-nike running shoes. I knew someone would come up with this thing...of course I could have done it with a little glue and velcro but I didn't mind shelling over a few bucks for it. I couldn't wait to attach the thing to my Brooks. My mother cut a little slot into the tongue of her New Balance and shoved the sensor in (with a few kleenex around it to pad it up). It worked just fine.
So, I'm all prepared. Yesterday morning I got up at 0430....cheerfully. As an aside, anytime I have to get up before 0500, I get really cranky. This has always been true. Even in the Army I thought that any wakeup before 0500 was just being spiteful and nasty. I still think so. But this was different. I had to get on the road at 0515 and I needed to drink a Mack shake (one banana, 1/2 an apple, 1/2 a pear and 2 cups of orange juice) and get ready for my big run! I get on the road and everything is fine. I make it to Phoenix (Tempe actually) at about 0645 and am directed to a line for the buses that will take us to the start. You see, we park at the finish. We had these bags that we attached a little tag to that UPS trucks would carry to the finish for us so we could wear our jackets, etc. right up until the start. In the line, I have to attach my disposable running sensor and this lady helps me attach it, etc. I just sort of let her do it...I don't want to deny her the pleasure of helping me out...and I don't want to read those tiny directions. I find out her name is Kim and she's running her first half marathon and she's a bartender and she wants to get a certain time and she bought new glasses for the race and.... OK.....ENOUGH. This chick will NOT SHUT UP...and I end up sitting next to her in the school bus that drives us over to the start. We're packed in like sardines and gas fumes are blowing into the bus as we drive. I should have taken that signal and just jumped out of the bus right then....
When we get to the start I practically jump over people in front of me to get the hell out of the bus and away from Kim. I think I said 5 words the entire trip. Yeesh. And I really need to go to the bathroom. I have a small bladder but more than that I have an overwhelming need to go to the bathroom before I start things. For example, I always go to the bathroom right before a movie starts (it doesn't matter if its at a movie theater or in my home) and I always go to the bathroom right at the start of Mack's workouts. He regularly makes fun of me for having to go and says I have a tiny bladder. Whatever....I don't think ANYONE wants me to urinate in the middle of carpet during class....or worse. There are about 50 port-a-potties in a row and the lines are crazy long. I get into what I hope is a fast line and wait. There are people behind me that are walking the race and they have way more gear than your average FULL marathon runner. I felt like reminding them that they're WALKING this...what do they really think is going to happen to them on this course? I consider my gear (very old Cape May t-shirt, spandex running tights, sportsbra, a cotton headband and ipod). I need more stuff. Maybe a cape? Some lightening bolts drawn on my legs? It takes about 30 minutes to get to the front of the line and then I find out that there is no more toilet paper in our porta-potties. What? I wait for a guy to get out of the one next to us and I jump in and beg some toilet paper off of him. I'm not proud when it comes to this kind of stuff....I NEED toilet paper.
I go, PHEW, and run out and take off my sweatshirt and put it in my bag and give it to the appropriate UPS truck (the trucks are assigned by last name). Then someone says the race has started and people start running toward the race area. I'm assigned to corral 20 which, I find out, is where really slow people are. I figure, whatever, and go towards my corral. They're 26 corrals total. I find my corral and there are a bunch of chicks with shirts indicating that they're bridesmaids and there is one bride girl. They are all giggling excitedly...this could get old really fast. I also notice that these girls are really really young and a lot of them still have acne-riddled faces. Are these girls in high school? Am I really so old that I think this way? Someone tells me that I have the same shoes they do and I tell them they have great taste. It takes another 40 minutes or so for my "loser" corral to reach the start line and we're off. I'm running right past where I work and feeling good. I'm passing people who're running really slow and some people walking. The walking people had a tendency to walk side by side and take up a lot of room...so annoying.
There are bands all along the way to "entertain and encourage" us. The first band has a Buddy Holly theme and the singer is wearing a poodle skirt. That's pretty fun. At mile 1 I see a row of porta-potties. I think about going but figure I can hold out of another mile or so. At mile 2 there are no porta-potties. Of course. I spot two behind the band stand at mile 2.5 and I run around and find a long line. I have no idea where the next ones are so I wait....for 20 minutes. Thankfully they had toilet paper. I know that my time is screwed now but I'm glad I got that out of my system (Ha! Get it?). I press my ipod and realize that my sensor isn't working because it thinks that I've only run .25 mile. Great. At mile 3 there are two guys dressed like Elvis. At about mile 3.5 there is a row of cheerleaders who form a sort of tunnel with their pom poms and I run through it like I'm a high school football player. This isn't so bad. I'm enjoying reading all of these people's ridiculous t-shirts. I wish that I had written something on the back of my shirt like "quit looking at my butt" or "get your eyes back on the road sicko" or " nothing to read here, move on" or "Hey walkers! Stop walking side by side! You're being jerks to those of us who are real participants!" At mile 6, the [apparently] alternative band is wearing bunny costumes. Too bad they can't sing. I'm skirting the edge of Scottsdale now and heading south towards Tempe. Almost halfway there! Feeling fine. At mile 8, I start to feel sort of achy. My hips are hurting a little and I'm just sort of feeling creaky. At mile 9, I'm starting to hurt and the pounding of my legs on the asphalt is really, really unpleasant. Some group has a sign up that says "Only 4.1 miles to go!" What?!? I've got to feel this way for another 4.1 miles? I don't know about this anymore. At mile 10 I'm running near the edge and a group of cheerleaders tries to yell encouragement....I tell them to shove it. I'm really starting to get mad at these spectators. What do they know? I feel like I'm pounding my joints into their sockets and I can't stop because if I do I KNOW I'll never start up again and it'll take me that much longer for this to be over. I realize that I REALLY HATE THIS. It's not fun at all and I decide that I don't like anyone involved in this whole spectacle. At mile 11 people are cheering me and I tell them to "SHUT UP!" A little boy tries to give me a high five and I give him the bird. I'm raving mad now...this is a horrible experience and my bones hurt. My lungs, stomach and bowels are just fine but its my hips, knees and ankles. I hate this. At mile 12, I've developed a really mean look and people just leave me alone. At mile 13 I decide to speed it up and get that last .1 over with and I pretty much shove people out of the way to get to the end. I pass over the finish line and hobble over to get some water....which is warm. Geez! Then they give me a finishers medal to put over my neck and I complain because its too heavy. I STILL hate this race and all these people! I walk over and get a bunch of free food and start to feel a little better (free stuff always makes me feel better). Then I hobble over and get my UPS bag and this little kid gives me my bag and it takes all the strength I can muster to say "Thank you" without yelling at him.
When I get to my car and my cell phone, my mother says that next time we'll train together and it'll be better. NEXT TIME? I burst into insane laughter...haahahahahahahaha.....[sort of Heath Ledger as the Joker type laughter]. Yes, I had exactly the opposite reaction to the supposed inspiration and pride that most people feel after accomplishing something like a half marathon. I went home and spent the rest of the day lying in bed and eating cookies.
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