"Who wants the high hard one?"

On Wednesday morning I had to go to this professionalism seminar for the State Bar of Arizona.  They require every new admittee to attend this course within their first year of admission.  My first year is up on June 15th so I was cutting it close.  Of course, it's mandatory but it also costs $250.00 (don't even get me started on that....).  So...it's this 4.5 hour course that is not supposed to focus on ethics but what we SHOULD do as lawyers -- i.e., be good eggs (or whatever).  So, the first thing the notice says is that I HAVE TO BE ON TIME or else I will not get full credit for the course and then machetes will fly and I'll likely lose my right to breathe in this state.  What do I do?  I OVERSLEEP.  The class starts at 0800 and I wake up at 0733!  For the love of God!  I get up and run around my apartment like a lunatic trying to find clothes to wear that I don't have to iron.  I'm semi-successful.  I zip through the crazy one-way streets of downtown Phoenix to find this obscure Arizona State University downtown annex and it's associated designated parking.  Of course the parking has extremely low ceilings and my truck's antenna (the big F150 lady truck) keeps dragging on the ceiling.  I'm about to have a heart attack.  I find a spot (after about 35 maneuvers -- going back and forth -- I would say it was about an 18 point turn given the narrowness of the garage....I love how big my truck is...(if I keep saying that it may start to be true....) and run (literally) into the building and am about 5 minutes late.  I sort of played up the out-of-breath thing (I AM a trained actress) when I came to the registration desk and they said "don't worry, you made it."  Phew.  (....and scene.)

 

I walk into the crowded conference room that has a bunch of narrow tables lined up and realize that there are no seats.  I notice a pile of chairs on the other side of the conference room and have to walk across the entire room to get a chair off the pile and then I put in on the edge of the room and sit.  Yeesh.  This is quite a project so far.  I look around the room and see a lot of people who have not taken the term "professionalism" too seriously.  In other words, they are wearing jeans, hoody sweatshirts and flip flops.  My black pants, loafers and semi-wrinkled shirt look classy in comparison.  Is the job market that bad in this state?  Anyway, other people come in and have to get chairs after me.  At least I wasn't the latest person.  In fact, people keep coming in until almost 0830.  I COULD HAVE HAD BREAKFAST!  Geez.  They do have breakfast there (bagels and pastries) but I can't eat that stuf f.  One girl comes in especially late and sits on the tower of chairs.  I mean, there were 4 chairs under her.  I don't know what she was thinking.  (She certainly wouldn't have passed the princess and the pea test...)  This is already an awesome experience.  BRING ON THE PROFESSIONALISM!

 

This fellow introduces a video tape from the chief justice of the AZ Supreme Court.  I've seen this justice in action and she's pretty cool.  He tells us she was Sandra Day O'Connor's first clerk as well.  Chief Justice MacGregor's taped talk tells us that lawyers are not well thought of by the general public.  Wha?!?  I cannot believe I'm hearing this....  Then the state bar decided that they wanted to train people on how to get along with each other and how to treat people nicely.  Good luck.  So, that's why everyone has to take this course.  It takes the chief justice about 40 minutes to say that.  Afterwards, we are told that we're breaking up into groups.  Awww geez.  I HATE breaking up into groups.  That probably has a lot to do with my general dislike for people or maybe its just a general dislike for groups....  My group is called the "miscellaneous group" and we're supposed to meet near the bagels and pastries.  Miscellaneous...not surprising...sort of the story of my life so far....

 

In the new group, I have a seat at the table.  (No longer the late outcast.)  A man and a woman are seated at the front of the class (in the instructor spots) and the guy has a litigation bag or lit bag (those box-like briefcases that attorneys carry to court that can hold a ton of papers).  The guy puts the lit bag on the table and proceeds to take out a rubber rat and a toy stuffed dog.  He lifts up the rat and asks "Are you going to be the rat?" and then he lifts up the dog and asks "Or are you going to be the good dog?"  (I'm already thinking rat, rat, rat.)  Who the hell does that guy think he's talking to?  I don't think that elementary school kids would think this is appropriate.  Professionalism?  Then the guy pulls a baseball out of the lit bag and starts tossing it up and down and tells us that he's going to pose hypotheticals and ask us what the rat and the good dog would do and then he's going to ask us "the high hard one."  He tosses the ball up and down and says "Who wants the high hard one?"  .............(I'm trying to regain my composure here)......WHAT THE?!?..........It's obvious that the guy has no idea that he's making a sexual innuendo and I'm barely able to control myself.  In fact, he tosses the ball throughout the 1.5 hour group exercise and repeatedly REPEATEDLY asks "Who wants the high hard one?"  I'm sure you're not surprised that NO ONE ever volunteered for the high hard one.  I mean, this isn't Attica or Sing Sing.  Professionalism?  When I went back to work that afternoon, I decided to employ that term in my daily work and now have my two [male] interns trained to say "Please give me the high hard one."  (I'm used my knowledge for good....I am the good dog.)

 

After receiving the high hard one for 1.5 hours, we were instructed to go back to the bigger conference room where we're going to get a lecture on diversity.  Oh Lord.  I sit in my outcast chair again and the lecturer asks us all the stand up.  He tells us that we're all diverse in some way and asks us to sit down as he names off categories that we fit into.  OK.  He goes through a number of categories about being a racial minority, etc. and I sit down when he says "If you're over 35 and never been married."  Nice category chump.  I sit and watch other people sit down as other categories are called out and when there are about 6 people standing, he asks "If you're gay or lesbian or transgendered, please sit down."  WHAT?  There are only 6 people left and we're all looking at them.  Why didn't he say that earlier to avoid having those people have to make the choice of identifying themselve s in that way before the entire group?  How is that professional to point out those people?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATE?  Anyway, I didn't listen after that but I'm assuming he said some stuff about being sensitive to diverse people and not making judgments, etc.  (And I get a high score on brickbreaker on my blackberry!)

 

After that was done (and the state bar has presumably written down all the names of the transgendered, gay and lesbians in the group) we had to break up into ANOTHER GROUP.  What?  The schedule said that it would be over after that though....so I'm on the home stretch.  I'm ready for more "high hard ones" but am disappointed to see two new people who don't innocently repeat sexual innuendos.  This is going to be a long 1.5 hours.  I sat way up front and put my name card up.  Now....there are a lot of disadvantages to the obscure spelling of my name but there ARE some distinct advantages.  Timid instructors RARELY call on me because they're afraid to mispronounce my name.  This fellow had a bunch of hypotheticals and he called on almost everyone in the class (at least twice) but not me and a few others.  I looked around and noticed that these are not good names if you want to stay silent: Kelly, Lisa and Laura.  These are GREAT names if you want to be alone: May Lu, Angelene and Tanja.  Awesome. Anyway, this guy was very dull and it was an extremely painful 1.5 hours.  He made Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller look like a vivacious, active teacher.  Yes...THAT bad.  The moment it was done, I grabbed my certificate of completion and ran out.  Free at last.  Now I have to go torture some interns....

Comments

[G R]

Wow. That is hands-down the most horrible CLE experience I have ever heard. I confess I still go to some from time-to-time(I keep an inactive license) in some vain hope of maybe someday stumbling upon a good one. I'm thinking of going to the ABA convention in NYC for example (I must be an idiot). However, because CLE credit means nothing to me anymore I find myself just getting up and walking out of most of them. At least in NYC I'll have somewhere else to walk to. Oh...and I usually answer hypotheticals with "I just really could not care less right now." Its not wrong...its a true answer!

[Destructo]

I cannot even pretend to understand why you go to CLEs when you don't have to but I certainly can understand going to NYC. (Because NYC is the most awesome place in the world....if you have money.) You must be a true optimist to think that a CLE will ever be interesting or good. I commend your optimism though. I wish I was inactive....

[G R]

I know, I'm a bit of an idiot to keep going to CLE's. I suppose it comes down to keeping a toehold in the legal field, should I ever need to go back to it someday. If only I had more skills...you know...flippin' sweet skills like trapeze skills, self-defense skills, comedy skills, various assorted Army skills...those are just the ones I recall from skimming over your entries here, I'm sure there are lots more. A veritable Renaissance woman.... :-)

[Destructo]

Thank you for the compliment. I guess "Renaissance Woman" is one way of putting it. Person with no real direction who will basically try anything (and usually injures herself in the process) is probably more accurate. That IS flippin' sweet though.
I get the impression that you're VERY FAR from being an idiot (under any definition) if you have placed yourself in the enviable situation where you don't have to work as a lawyer to pay for premium cable. Hmmmmm premium cable and donuts.....

[Todd L]

Wow. I didn't know that Michael Scott taught Arizona CLEs! Very cool.