Soylent Green is people!

When I was growing up, my brother and I liked to watch monster movies.  These were usually the type categorized as "B" that had some really bad special effects and were in black and white.  They were awesome.  My brother had a book with stills from these movies and we would go over them again and again.  I especially liked this one where a woman's head was severed and the guy keeps her head alive (and talking) via a shallow cookie sheet, some wires and some clear liquid.  What do you really say to a severed head?  I don't remember the conversation in that movie too well.  I'm sure there was a lot of talk about how the hell did my head get separated from my body.  They likely also discussed options for reattachment.  [This was just as cable was coming out and, of course, we didn't have it because it was too expensive and a waste.  You see, our TV was  black and white.  My mother thought we'd get eye cancer from that newfangled color TV and its color "radiation."]  So...in the winter weekends when we weren't allowed to go outside because it was too cold....we watched marathons of black and white movies on local Channel 5 (which was later bought by Fox).  Soylent Green was another favorite.  "Soylent Green is people!"  Charlton Heston with his neck scarf running around the streets yelling....so metrosexual.  There were a lot of vampire, werewolf and Frankenstein movies.  I know a lot about vampires.  For example, they can't come into your house uninvited but they CAN hypnotize you into inviting you in.  In other words, don't answer the door when a vampire knocks.  Also, the victim of a werewolf will have a pentagram appear on the palm of their hand.  That probably didn't need to be mentioned because its common knowledge.

Based on my vast knowledge in this area, I developed methods for protecting myself from monsters in the night.  I practiced lying perfectly still and pretending not to breathe so that a monster would come up to me...sniff me....see that I was already dead and move on.  It made perfect sense at the time.  I would sometimes time myself to see how long I could play dead.  I made it up to a minute and a half.  I figured that was good enough for your average monster.  In case there was a vampire though, I hid some garlic under my wicker day bed....and a little cross for good measure.  After seeing the movie "Jaws," I made my brother sleep on my floor.  The idea there was that a monster would first have to eat my little brother and with all of the noise and confusion that would entail, I could slip away.  [Don't ask me why I thought I needed protection from an abnormally large great white shark in my bedroom.  Logic has nothing to do with monsters....]

Well...we luckily both survived our childhood but I learned a lot from those movies that I employ in my daily life.  Unfortunately, people in today's horror movies don't seem to understand these laws.

1.  Don't ever go into a room where the lights don't work...ever.

2.  Don't look at the white fuzzy screen on your TV and for God's sake don't EVER touch it.

3.  When you hear a noise in the house, don't investigate to see who it is.  Call 911 immediately or run out of the house screaming or both at the same time.

4.  Never pick up hitchhikers (even if you know them).

5.  Carry a silver bullet with you at all times.

6.  Don't allow your head to be severed from your body.

7.  Never buy a house on an ancient Indian burial ground (and don't build a pool).

8.  Check new acquaintances out by secretly seeing whether they have reflections in a mirror.

9.  Make sure that people you know do not turn into dust when exposed to direct sunlight.

10. Never donate your brain to science because you could reawaken as part of a monster.

These just scratch the surface but I think you get the idea.  The world is a scary place.....

Comments

[G R]

Monsters never scared me. I wanted to meet one and ask them some questions. I thought it would be awesome to grow up to be a monster, but its a really tough career field to break into. Where are the entry level jobs? What about training? What are the benefits like? But who is there to help the young monster wannabes of tomorrow find this information? It did occur to me that today's successful monster would probably rather eat you than be a mentor, since you'd be potential competition (and the benefits probably aren't that great anyway, so of course they're kinda hungry) but I was undeterred. Instead of nasty garlic and unfriendly silver bullets, under my bed were neatly typed resumes on high-quality paper (updated on a regular basis), and various letters of recommendation. Sadly, I never got any offers, not even for an internship. Eventually I grew up, settled for the next best thing, and went to law school.

[Destructo]

...also I understand that they are highly unionized. Like SAG. And it's hard to get in. You need to have worked as a monster to be admitted to the union but you can't get a job unless you're in the union. A Catch-22 (or..as monsters call it a Carve-22...I don't really know why). I understand your desire to be a monster (doesn't everyone want to do that?). It looks so glamourous and the life is very exciting. I always love it when people with pitchforks and torches run after me. Heck...that happened last Tuesday. It was a hoot! I actually interned with a vampire during the summer before my junior year in high school and it's not all it's cracked up to be. First of all, I had to stay up all day cleaning the mausoleum and then I worked all night catching rodents and making sure his cape/cloak was straight. Also, vampires are pretty needy because they can't use mirrors. I had to constantly tell him how good he looked (I didn't really think his complexion looked too good but I didn't want to lose my internship). He liked to call me "Renfield," which I didn't really enjoy either. I knew Renfield. Renfield ate flies. I may occasionally and inadvertently eat a gnat but I'm NO RENFIELD. (Sort of a touchy subject.) At the end, I didn't think that my boss was enough of a bloodsucker so I decided to become a lawyer. heh heh heh (please add echo sounds).