peas with honey

PERMANENTLY REJECTED!!!

I just went out to the bloodmobile located in our south parking lot and sat through a bunch of questions and tests for 45 minutes only to be placed on a PERMANENT DEFERRAL list.  In other words, my blood has been permanently rejected or blacklisted (as Mark Nunley aptly noted).  They didn't bat an eye when I told them about my constant intravenous drug use but...living in Germany for more than 6 months between 1980 and 1996 put them over the edge.  Before this revelation, they had even asked me to be a "power red blood cell donor" which meant that I would be hooked up to this machine and my plasma and red blood cells would be separated so that they could be donated to cancer patients.  Now my blood isn't fit for anyone.  The person explained that it was because of Mad Cow disease.  You mean I could still have Mad Cow disease in my blood?  Are they kidding?  I used to donate all the time at Cedar's Sinai...  Maybe Britney Spears got some of my blood.

I guess I really shouldn't say permanent deferral because I can donate again in 2262.

Ode to a blanket...

I was resting on my huge comfy couch this morning and thinking about all of the stuff I had to do around my Phoenix apartment when I noticed it was a little chilly and I grabbed a pale green blanket and put it over my legs.  Now this was no ordinary blanket....it's a blanket I've had for over 24 years and that I first received in the fall of 1983.  Yes...you west pointers out there know exactly what I'm talking about...I STILL have my green girl.  Plebes at West Point are issued a khaki green comforter sometime in the beginning of the fall academic year.  These are traditionally called "Green girls" because, I think, they are the only women the male cadets sleep with.  We female cadets tried calling ours "Green guys" for a while but the "Green girl" name just sort of stuck.  Also, I guess it started actually as a comforter but it is so thin and pretty threadbare now....it seems like more of a blanket.  Well, traditionally, upperclassmen grab your "Green girl" that first night and sleep with her and "deflower" the comforter.  I hate to think about what that could mean besides just being slept with...ick....  The next morning the upperclassmen bring the blanket back and toss her on your bed.  Nice (also a good reflection of how many of these guys feel about women in general).  Anyway, I wasn't going to allow my green girl to get "slept with" by any of those goons and I hid her that first night.  Afterwards, it was me and my green girl every night.  Every cadet sleeps with the green girl because you can sleep on top of your bed (without making it) and jump up every morning and just have to tighten up the covers.  One night a week (the night before laundry was taken), the covers were "broken" and you slept on the sheets.  This night was called "Hotel night."  So....basically...the laundry at WP was cleaning relatively clean sheets every week because everyone only slept on them one time.  Hotel night or not....I slept with my trusty green girl all through WP.  She has absorbed many tears.

She traveled with me to my first assignment in at the Officer's Basic Course at Ft. Huachuca, Arizona.  She waited patiently for me in the Bachelor Officer's Quarters at Ft. Benning, Georgia while I ran around like an idiot at Airborne School.  She flew with me to Frankfurt, Germany to my first assignment at the 533d Military Intelligence Battalion.  She didn't go on the many many maneuvers with me around Germany but she did come with me to Desert Storm.  Yes...I brought my blanket to war.  Every night, after I'd put my boots in a safe place (to avoid having them filled with critters in the morning), I'd uncurl my sleeping bag and my little green friend was inside waiting for me...any my .45 caliber pistol...and my M16A2.  Yes...it's probably no big surprise that you sleep with your weapons...especially during a war.  They're usually very very cold and sort of pokey though.

She traveled back to Germany and then back to Ft. Huachuca for the Advanced Course.  She went with me to Ft. Meade, MD and she moved down to Arlington, VA when I resigned my commission and worked for a law firm in DC as a paralegal.  She moved up to Vermont with me for law school -- where she was very much needed.  She kept me warm many times during those cold days.  I even brought her to the library once...(showing her off)...this was the Dartmouth Library which allows dogs and has an english department library portion which serves tea and cookies in the afternoon.  They put a 2" x 4" across the arms of your chair and serve it.  Cool.  I think my green girl liked that.  Except when I spilled the tea on her.  I think I've spilled almost every kind of food on her as well.  (I'm not particularly tidy when it comes to food.)  No one minded that I brought my blanket.

I brought my blanket to Los Angeles for my clerkship and we stayed in that city for over 11 years.  She didn't go with me to Italy on vacation though (she stayed home and held down the fort -- also...someone had to take care of Spike).  Speaking of Spike, I think he's vomited and pee'ed on that blanket 100s of times....(just like most of my clothing).  So...it's not surprising that this blanket is with me in Phoenix and will be with me wherever else I go next.

I'm a 42 year old woman with a blanket.  Yes, I'm saying that out loud.  I'm sort of like Linus except I don't carrry it around all the time.  Can a person have a sentimental attachment to a blanket?  Aren't there a bunch of kids running around holding blankets?  Does this mean that I'm just immature?  Probably.  I'm not giving her up though.

Angela Hoover on Lifetime.

My good friend and a totally hilarious lady, Angela Hoover, is going to host a Mommy Movie marathon, stories of polygamy, 16 year-old Moms, the normal Lifetime fare, on Mother's Day on Lifetime TV.  All day.  For 11 hours.

Please watch and then, of course, write to Lifetime and tell them how awesome she was.  There is really nothing else I would rather do...there will be alcohol right?

CERTIFICATION!!

What does that mean?  Good question.  I actually am still not sure what it means but I got it at the end of Mack's class last night.  Here's what I think it means: I finished a majority of Mack's class without quitting and I kept a good attitude throughout.  I've done the "without quitting" thing before....I think it was the "good attitude" portion that threw me over the top this time.  The practical effect is very small, however.  I got a card and Mack signed his initials in one of the boxes.  There are 10 boxes on the bottom and I'm guessing that something happens when I'm "certified" 10 times -- beyond my card being filled out (I can already see your smart-ass minds working on that one).  The monumental thing was that I actually did keep a good attitude during the class and didn't groan or sigh heavily when he asked me to do something extra...I just did it.  Mack also told the entire class that he's been really hard on me (wha?!?) and that he was very proud to see how much I've improved physically and how much more positive I've become.  He told them that it was entirely my doing and that I've worked very hard to achieve those goals.  Pretty cool.  Yes....I've worked very hard and it's not over yet....  I know I'm trying not to let him affect me one way or the other but that was pretty awesome and I felt really good.  Of course, my fellow class mates were very supportive and happy for me (that's how that class works).

Also, the "certification" card has a picture of a train and the words "night train" on it.  I have no idea what that means....

OMLET!!

I'm the Open Meeting Law Enforcement Team (OMLET) duty officer this week (which means that I field complaints from citizens about open meeting law violations and, sometimes, investigate them) and I've been on the phone a lot lately.  I can just imagine me rappelling down the side of a building in my egg suit stamping out open meeting law violations like "that item you just discussed wasn't properly listed on the posted agenda"...."you guys improperly voted on something in your executive session"....."you didn't post any notice of the meeting 72 hours prior to the meeting."  Then I would throw eggs at them..... (in a sort of cannibal-type move).

Cough...cough...cough.

My workout last night was especially miserable.  I should have known it would be bad when Mack didn't even stretch and we just went into a gazillion "mountainclimbers."  Then we did a bunch of pushups and some calf raises and he separated us out to different sections of the floor.  I got put on the "wall" with the guys and we had to do "suicides" touching seams on the floor.  I think we did 6 sets.  We then had to do frog leaps (which totally suck) and duck walks back and forth across the floor.  I could barely breathe and started developing a cough (which I had all night and still have right now).  Then he had the guys do single leg presses (where you stand against the wall and have someone hold your arm on the other side and bend down to below knee level and raise up).  He told me to stay on the wall to do more suicides (the ladies of the class had now joined me) and I said "are you kidding?"  We ll..... that was about all it took.  He went off on me about "whining" (of course I'm coughing the entire time) and then kept talking about it and how I would have had an excellent class if I hadn't whined.....it really really got annoying.  He pulled me aside after class and kept talking to me about it and (between coughs) I just said "yes sir."  (I mean...really...what else do you really say in that situation?)  He then said that I needed to change my "defeated body language"...which is a hard thing to do when you're coughing and getting yelled at.  He told me that he wants me to be physically and mentally prepared for my Foreign Service assessment.  If it involves coughing or getting yelled at....I'm getting a lot of good experience.  Anyway, Thursday night (my next class) is definitely going to be a treat.   

5th Most Dangerous State in the Country!

Arizona used to be the 3d most dangerous state....we've obviously become WAY MORE SAFE.  I can only imagine that Arizona has achieved this glorious commendation because of the many crazy people who live here and who abide by their own rules.  I also think that many of the people that put this state in such high esteem must live in my neighborhood in Phoenix.  I was told by a women peddler when I was filling my gas tank up that I needed to give her a dollar so she "won't get raped on the way home."  I couldn't believe this woman was actually trying to use that one on me.  I told her that she wasn't going to get raped and that a dollar wasn't going to help her in that regard anyway.  Is this a new thing?  Psychological peddling?  I'm supposed to feel guilty that a woman could be raped because I didn't give her a dollar at the Circle K gas pump?  Mind you....it was 10:00 am as well.  Am I the only person who thinks that's ridiculous?  Where has the honesty gone in peddling?  I remember the good old days when people would ask me for money for a beer....I didn't give it to them but I appreciated the honesty and often remarked on that.  Now I think I'm more willing to give money to someone who asks for money for "smack" than to someone who tries to manipulate me into giving them money because of some conjured morning threat of sexual assault.  Geez.

I guess I've gone full circle with Mack.  I'm now watching him do to others exactly what he's done to me.  It's interesting.  I've watched several people go through the initial trial and never come back.  Some people have surprised me though and have come back and are doing pretty well.  I don't know how well I'm doing but I'm hanging in there.  I find that I can hang with a lot of the stuff he does now and I've slowly gotten my mind around "just doing the workout" and not worrying about what's next.  It's difficult because the Army has conditioned me to think I'm a huge loser if I can't complete the entire workout.  In other words, I'm really much harder on myself than Mack is...maybe that's why he's been laying off me lately.  My friend Nancy (code name "Rock") pointed out that no one finishes every part of Mack's workout and that the Olympic Decathlete, Dan O'Brien, can't even finish his workouts -- so why am I punishing myself for not doing all of the 100 pushups or the 2 million mountain climbers?  Well....obviously....I'm much better than any stupid old Olympian and I should be able to do much more...hahahahaha.  [That is a very very sad statement of what my mind actually says to me sometimes.]  So now I sometimes steal a glance at the pro baseball player who can't do all of the leg lifts Mack demands and feel good because I'm hanging in there.  It's all relative.

Let me explain Nancy's code name.  Mack gives people nicknames in class and her's is Rock.  I don't have one.  I'm not sure whether that's good or bad.  I have noticed that most people have them immediately though.  This is odd because I seem to have always had a nickname of one sort of another in my life.  My brother used to call me "Tans" because he couldn't pronounce my name and my mother still calls me that.  Sometimes it's stretched out to "Tansie" -- usually when I've done something good.  I've gone by "T" a lot, an ex called me "Ja", and a good friend called me "TJ" until another friend pointed out to him that it was a ridiculous nickname (which I regret).  I've been called "Ship," "Shippy" and yes...."Shitty" -- but that has to do with other things.  A dry cleaner used to use a code where they used the last 3 letters of my last name and the first letter of my first name so my code was SHIT.  Great.  In other words, the choices are not really that great.  Mack is always talking about a positive mental attitude and I think I should pick a nickname and positively think about it (as a sort of experiment) to see whether he'll pick it up.  I'm partial to "Terminator," or "Killer" or "Destructo."  I'll let you know how it works out.

Haz Mat on the 10.

I drove to Tucson this weekend to take my brother out for his birthday and to check on my little house.  Both were fine.  On the trip down, however, I experienced an 1 1/2 delay on the I10 because there had been some huge accident and the haz mat team was "deployed" to clean up the radiation.....wha?!?  Wait a minute....radiation....what kinds of things are whizzing down this freeway at unGodly speeds?  Should I be wearing a lead vest?  How does radiation leak from just a traffic accident?  Aren't there supposed to be safeguards to prevent that sort of stuff from happening?  Why do I glow in the dark now? 

They completely closed down the 10 going west and we were all diverted through a suburb of a town called Casa Grande.  It was pretty humorous to watch the 18 wheelers negotiate those turns.  I saw more than a few signs get knocked down.  There are some people in that area who have no idea that a stop sign is posted ahead.  Which, of course, begs the question about why do we have so many signs that warn us about other signs?  I grew up understanding that most blocks in residential neighborhoods have stop signs....why do they now need to post a sign telling you that another sign is coming up ahead?  Are we dumber?  (That was rhetorical....we're just a lot more litigious.)

"We are NOT reenactors!"

This weekend my friend Chris and I went to see a re-enactment of the western-most civil war battle called the Battle of Picacho Pass.  The funny thing is that it involved about 25 people and there were about 200 re-enactors there.  To accommodate that glut, they re-enacted a couple of New Mexico civil war battles (just for good measure).  The grand finale though was Picacho Pass....which was held at (you guessed it) Picacho Peak State Park (just off Interstate 10).

Now....Chris is the only person I've met so far from work who has the same twisted sense of humor I have and he's also the only person I could convince to come with me to this extravaganza.  As I was waiting to meet up with him at the Best Buy parking lot, I started worrying that he would show up in a civil war uniform and then I started worrying about what side's uniform he would wear.  I was racking my brain....did he seem OVERLY enthusiastic about this event....or was he just normally enthusiastic?  (Of course that begs the question about displaying ANY enthusiasm for this event....)  Luckily he didn't have any uniform on when he showed up.  Of course, (without prompting) his first words were an apology because his "uniform was still at the cleaners."  Hahahahaha!  I told him that I keep mine in the trunk of my car but since he wasn't wearing his....I didn't want to make him feel awkward... .I then told him that I was a Virginian so he could guess what color it is....(heh heh heh).  We're off to a great start.

We drove down I10 which I have dubbed the "Mad Max Freeway" because there are vast expanses of nothing, always an accident where a car has flipped over and 18 wheelers going between 90-100 mph.  (I drive that freeway almost every weekend when I go to Tucson and have survived a wheel flying over my car and a driver having a heart attack and swerving over the median... Good times.)  Chris told me that there are also occasionally coyote shootouts -- not the animal kind but the human traffiker kind.  Haven't had that pleasure yet.  But there is still time.

Picacho Peak is a particularly pointy mountain located in a small range about 40 mins north of Tucson.  I've been told that Picacho actually means peak so I guess it's called peak peak.  Weird.  We arrived alive and, after a cursory look at some pathetic union re-enactors lining up in their tent camp, eagerly went to the "battlefield" because the schedule said that there was an artillery demonstration going on.  The fellow giving the talk about civil war artillery was awesome!  He was fat and he had on the red hat, etc. (which I assume designates someone as Field Artillery.....of course it also designated them as a target).  He meticulously described how to place gun powder in the "cannon" and the fuse and light it.  The great part was during the question and answer session where he started to expound on some of his personal beliefs.  He told us that we need to learn about the civil war b ecause "We don't need another Hitler.  We don't need another Stalin."  I didn't quite get the connection but I agree in principle.  He then said that "laying around listening to CDs ain't cuttin' it."  OK.....I guess I'll have to stop laying around now.  Then he said "I want you to learn about politics, I want you to learn about history."  Good....good.  (Can you tell that I've started writing these gems down now?)  He finished with the proclamation that we should all "get a book and read."  Chris later confessed that he bought the book "Gods and Generals" afterwards and I told him that I was proud of him.

After being enlightened, the Battle of Glorietta Pass (?) started which seemed like it was mainly a field artillery battle.  I was a little disappointed in the lack of re-enactors who played dead.  They were basically running around the field (or slowly walking depending on their age and girth) in clouds of smoke and yelling unintelligible things.....very much like most current battlefields are today.  It ended in about 20 minutes and all the spectators went over to the encampment area to look at the displays.  There was also a union band playing tunes from that time.  Nearly every display had a few medical instruments (the most gruesome and fascinating part of most civil war displays) -- I guess those saws, plyer things and huge syringes hold up well in old age.

We saw a display for a group called the Sons of the Confederate which, awkwardly, was visited by a group of black kids (who didn't seem to understand the history there).  I snapped a picture of that because I love awkwardness (I'm sort of sick that way).  Also, the entire time there was a group that had climbed up the side of one of the hills and planted a huge confederate flag.  There was a lot of yelling in that direction but Chris and I avoided it (could be another Waco).  Creepy.

Then, Chris and I went to see the Cavalry troops.  There were about 7 of them in union uniforms and they had these pretty awesome horses.  They answered questions and they told us that, while all of the horses were in the Army, several of them were civilians or retired.  There was one active duty soldier.  Apparently, the horses (which all had "US" tattooed on their sides) were "signed out" these guys who take care of them as if they own them (sort of like a rifle is signed out to a soldier).  They came from Ft. Huachuca, which has great stables.  Interesting.  One fellow (a civilian dude) seemed pretty bitter about being there and Chris commented that he looked like he "wanted his Saturday back."  This guy told us several times "We aren't re-enactors.  We are NOT re-enactors."  I found that hilarious because they sure looked like re-enactors and they participated in the RE-ENACTMENT of the Battle of Picacho Pass.  What does that make them in your mind? hmmmmm   

The Battle of Picacho Pass (which reportedly took an hour) was re-enacted in 10 minutes.  Here's how it went.  Some non-re-enactor union calvary types arrest about 3 confederates and then a bunch of other confederates show up and kill several of the non-re-enactors.  The end.  Apparently the union lieutenant who was killed in the actual battle is buried near where the railroad now runs. 

As we were leaving, I insisted on getting a picture with some re-enactors.  Chris thought that we should get a picture with union re-enactors only because other pictures could come back to haunt us.  So, I attached that "politically correct" picture to this e-mail.

The trip was a big success and we've decided that we need to visit the Renaissance Fair because the nut cases that go to that type of thing have to be at least as crazy as these guys.  Chris also has an outfit he wants to wear to that one....   

Crazy Mack Update

First, I want to tell you about going to the Tucson Rodeo last weekend.  My mother, our visiting family friend Meg and I all went to the finals of the rodeo last Sunday and it was awesome!  After you get over the too tight jeans and the large belt buckles...those guys are kind of sexy.  I've been a huge fan of bullriding for a little while now and I am very happy to report that those guys are just as tough and handsome in person as they appear on television (yes....I'm a nerd).  Even with the fact that my mother and I cheered for the steers everytime they didn't get roped or "wrestled," the crowd was very nice and friendly.  Of course, the "commercials" were in the form of a girl riding a horse around the ring carrying a flag for smokeless tobacco or coors beer or wrangler jeans.  I think I need to buy some cowboy boots....

Well, I read all of the helpful advice that I received from you guys and decided to stick with it for a little while longer mainly because I was getting some good out of it...namely I feel better in that I'm sleeping much better and not having headaches.  I've decided not to really care what he says one way or the other.  Yes...he's totally mental and an egotistical a-hole but I'm personally getting something out of it (aside from hanging with him) and the people in the class are pretty nice....so I'm hanging for at least one more month.  Everyone is telling me that I look better than they've ever seen me look and I've lost a couple percentage points of body fat (which was the main goal) and, although I don't really look forward to class, I know it's good for me and I know that it won't last for very much longer.  I decided that I couldn't really change how he acted but I could change how I reacted to him.  [A valuable life lesson on so many levels.]  Last Thursday he got on me and this former NFL football player all class telling us that we could do better.  I honestly couldn't do more pushups though.  So he kept yelling my name and the NFL guys' name, "Chris."  At one point I looked back at him and he just laughed and shook his head.  I laughed back.  I'm learning a lot from Chris.  At the end of the class, Mack told me that I was awesome in class.  hahahaha  It doesn't matter dude!!  It just doesn't matter what you think (I didn't say that out loud...I'd had enough confrontations for the week).

On Saturday my mother and I ran a 3 mile loop around Reid Park in Tucson and we actually were awesome!  My mother is such a stud.  We also got a good look at some of the Colorado Rockies who are doing spring training at the park.  My mother is so funny.  She said "those are good looking guys."  Yes mother...oh yes......